I've decided to become a new person, not really because I'm so active and assertive but because the elements in my life have changed. Before, I steeped in hypothetical love that was at my fingertips if only I could reach a little father... And maybe just a little farther than that. Now my entire life exists in a more than achievable and tangible way, all my goals and aspirations within an hours distance from me. It lends an illusion of comfortable control.
Today is the last time I talk to her, the last time I let myself fall back into unhealthiness. "Death Poem" by Alysia Harris takes on regret. I regress. Forward today. I didn't take it well at first, but then I realized everything I have learned before.
I don't think she knows how to handle someone like me, but there are more than enough hands to handle me here. I need physical, and I need it now. Skin's reassurance. Of course I got my period, lovely. Temporary inhibitor.
I want love, but I'll settle because that comes when I don't want it. I will reassert myself in that world and let what happens happens. For now I'm not concerned with finding my queen; I never have a problem with getting women to fall in love with me when I want them. For better or for WORSE is the challenging clause. Watch me become a beautiful force with power shoulders.
A new girl? I want to meet her under the secret veil of night and whisper against that delicate skin, concave at her collar. Explore the roots of her hair meeting that curved neck, inhaling the cold and exhaling against a sheet. Arching my back under an evaporating sky, nails raking against my soul we kiss to a song of converging futures. I will daydream until that decorated woman walks my way. I hope I will be open enough to know.
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I was immensely supported by my friends this morning, and I want to continue the circle of giving. I want to remember the way it felt because I tend to forget to appreciate. I'm learning, though, an eternal draft. I'm warmed by their generosity.
I have my DSP final exam today, and I plan to kill it. I've studied for quite some time, so I believe I stand a great chance at scoring high if I check it thoroughly. We are planning to eat after as a pledge class, which is always a luxury. Today is full of nerves, but I am managing them too well. I am surrounded by this unspeakable support system, and if and when I cross this work will be worth it. I heard pictures will be taken today, so I have to do myself up a bit. I'm also meeting some of Yeva's friends later tonight so I want to look presentable.
What an Easter. The most eventful one I've had and I didn't even get to go egg hunting. Ridiculous.
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I want to add a music thing on the end if I come across any artists I'd like to look into more when I get off campus and can download freely.
Today: Chiddy Bang and Childish Gambino
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