It's the kind where you don't really know the person all too much, so you project everything that you could ever possibly want on them. It's someone who you found initial attraction for, and there was a moment when they sparked your curiosity. So your mind fills in the blanks as it naturally does, but it's to your disadvantage. There could not possibly be anyone better on the planet than the person you've unconsciously constructed. Once in awhile it makes me feel dubious about my relationship, as if there is a completely new world that I've been missing out on.
I won't say her name, but she was presented to me in one context: superiority. That already puts me in a place where I look up to her. (I know that's vague, but I don't want to give too much away in case it bites me in the ass.) Then I find out she's here on a basketball scholarship. She has contributed more than me to my family financially and has a passion or strength besides academics. Lastly, she makes really insightful comments with perspectives I have not examined, broadening my horizons. I can really respect someone in all these regards. I already found her attractive, being taller than me with feminine features and a masculine edge, so adding these ambitions and control imbalances certainly enhanced my taking to her.
Since then, I've had numerous infatuated fantasies. None of them ever involve sex though. The most I have ever taken it is groping, but mostly just kissing as far as sexual contact. Really, the vast majority of them are about tilting the power between us in my favor. For instance, there are scenarios where she likes me instead and is jealous of my girlfriend and I. Some are about her discovering something that I do well and enjoy. Of course, in the fantasy I'm much better at it than real life, professional level and all that. Martial arts, dancing, singing. That's embarrassing. I think the last, most prominent one is where we are playing one-on-one at two or three in the morning, the moon illuminating the basketball court. She sweeps me, but we're both sweating. She wants me and I want her but I can't show her because I'm afraid of being venerable. I turn away from her because I'm not ready, but she turns me around at the hip and pushes me against the hoop's pole. She's always wearing a basketball uniform, and it feels like air and silk against my hands. And that's always where it stops. I think the reason it stops there is because it's not about real emotions or sexual desire. It's about power, about being perceived as an object of lust. I also think it's because I don't get intense sexual attention when Brittany isn't here, so my mind thrusts these intimate thoughts onto the one person that has caught my eye. At first I was afraid of these thoughts, but not anymore. This rationale allows me to accept them.
And I know. I should be following up on the last blog post because it's so strangely juxtaposed against this one. And I left many questions unanswered that I have at least some reasonings for now. I have to get up at a somewhat decent hour, so I'm going to throw in the towel until tomorrow. Or the next day. Whenever my life permits me to write, or perhaps when I find it of enough value to continue, I shall.
Nightnight
-Alena
No comments:
Post a Comment